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Dr. Jane Nelsen
Dr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and San Clemente, CA.
She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.
Please e-mail: jane@positivediscipline.com for more information on scheduling a workshop, lecture, in-service or keynote address.
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How Do You Motivate a Teen?
By Dr. Jane Nelsen Ed.D.
1. Parents nag and invite resistance.
2. Teens feel "conditionally loved" -- "I'm okay only if I live up to your
expectations." This hurts and they get even by failing.
3. Children aren't allowed to explore the relevance for themselves. They are
"told", but they don't explore. How many parents "tell" their children what
happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they
should do about it? It is much more effective to ask what and how questions as
in No. 4.
4. Parents don't allow their children to learn from failure -- an excellent
motivator. One of the best ways to help children learn to be responsible
(motivated) is to be consciously irresponsible. Allow them to fail and then be
empathetic and help them explore what happened, how they feel about it, what
they learned from it, and what they could do in the future if they want another
outcome.
5. Regarding motivation to do chores, etc.; again teens are too often told
instead of invited to brainstorm and come up with a solution that works for
everyone. Teens are much more motivated to follow a plan they have helped
create.
6. Parents expect teens to "remember to do their chores" as though it were an
indicator of responsibility. Most responsible adults were not necessarily
responsible teens. Even though teens are "more" motivated to follow a plan they
have helped create, they will still forget because it is not high on their list
of priorities. This does not mean they are irresponsible. It means they are
teens. A friendly reminder doesn't have to be a big deal. Use your sense of
humor and remind with your mouth shut. Point, use charades, or write a note. If
you have to say something, ask, "What did we agree to that you have forgotten?"
7. Adults need to be kind and firm while holding teens accountable -- once they
have agreed upon a plan. It is just as easy to be kind while reminding as it is
to be unkind -- actually it is easier, because everyone feels better and the job
gets done without a power struggle. (Understanding that it is easier and more
effective is the hard part. Where did adults every get the crazy idea that in
order to make teens do better, first they have to make them feel worse.
8. Parents don't teach their children problem-solving skills through family
meetings and individual barnstorming sessions.
9. Parents don't help children learn time management skills through involving
them in the creation of routine charts. The key word is "involving them."
10. Parents give their children too many things and then wonder why they fail to
be appreciative -- and instead just want more, more, and more.
11. Parents don't know how to say, "I love you, and the answer is no."
12. Parents are more interested in short term results than long-range results.
For example, I'll make you do your homework now - even if it means you will
never do your best because you are too busy rebelling.
The following excerpt from the book, "Positive Time Out and 50 Other Ways to
Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms" provides living examples of the
twelve points that have been made.
Eight-year-old Jake didn't do his homework. His father confiscated his bicycle
and told him he was grounded (negative time-out) until he got it done. Dad
thought this was a logical consequence for not doing homework. Jake was so angry
that he sat in his room and thought about how he would refuse to do his homework
or do just enough to get by to get even with his father. He certainly wouldn't
do his best.
Sixteen-year-old Emma didn't do her homework. Her father asked Emma for an
appointment to talk with her and asked, "Which would work best for you, 6:30 or
7:00 this evening?" (Giving Emma a choice allows her some power, which usually
invites cooperation instead of defensiveness. Waiting even a short time before a
discussion allows both adults and children some time-out for calmness instead of
the kind of attack and defensiveness that often happens when a discussion occurs
out of anger.) Emma thought she knew what was coming and chose 6:30 to get it
over with.
At 6:30, Emma was surprised when her father started by asking, "I wonder if you
love yourself as much as I love you?"
Emma laughed and said, "What are you talking about, Dad?"
Dad said, "Well, I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. Because of
that, I have your best interests at heart. I just wondered if you love yourself
as much and if you think about your best interests?"
Emma was very suspicious, "Is this your way of conning me into doing my
homework.?"
Dad replied, "Why would I try to con you into doing your homework if you don't
think that would be good for you? We both know I can't make you do anything you
don't want to do. However, I am willing to help you explore what is good for
you, and I'm willing to help you create a plan that works for you to accomplish
what is best for you."
Emma said, "Okay, Dad. I'll do my homework." Dad invited Emma to discuss the
problem instead of using lectures and punishment, which she would resist,
resent, and rebel against. Emma quickly figured out that doing her homework
would be in her best interest.
Dad replied, "Honey, it doesn't work for me to have to remind you all the time.
That seems to create a conflict between us. I don't want to spend our time that
way. You wouldn't agree to do your homework if you didn't know that is in your
best interest. How about taking it a step further. You might find it helpful to
create a regular evening routine that includes the best time for you to do your
homework-one that would work for you and that would take me out of the loop. You
can show me what you come up with tomorrow night. I have faith in you to know
what kind of plan would work best for you."
Emma agreed. The next night she showed her dad the following plan:
3:30-4:00 Chill out after a hard day at school
4:00-4:30 Phone time with friends
4:30-5:30 Homework
5:30-6:00 Chill (and maybe help out a little) before dinner
6:00-6:30 Dinner
6:30-7:00 Finish homework if not completed
7:00-8:00 Favorite TV programs
Dad said, "Looks like a good plan. Now this routine can be the boss instead of
me. I think you will find this kind of organization very useful throughout your
life."
Many parents don't believe their children would be as cooperative as Emma was.
If these parents have established a pattern of power struggles instead of
guiding their children to use their own power in useful ways, then they are
right-the children probably won't cooperate. What parents usually mean by
cooperate is, "Do what I tell you to do." This definition does not invite
cooperation; it invites rebellion.
When children don't want to cooperate, it could be that parents and teachers
have not created a cooperative environment where children are truly involved in
creating plans and guidelines and brainstorming for solutions. Many children
have more practice in trying to protect their "sense of self" through resistance
and rebellion against being controlled instead of through self-control and
cooperation.
Emma was used to having her parents turn the responsibility for her actions over
to her. They had spent many hours in regular family meetings brainstorming for
solutions to problems. Emma had been involved in creating routines (bedtime,
morning, mealtime) since she was two years old. Her parents established this
process early on in life.
Perhaps the real question should be, "How Do You Motivate Parents to Use
Effective Methods to Motivate Teens?"
Dr. Jane Nelsen Ed.D.
jane@positivediscipline.com